Sven’s guide to…

Hey all, and welcome to my blog. What with all the time I spend e-mailing my friends every drab detail of my various “adventures”, I thought I might as well just write them all down once and let everyone read at their leisure. This is just a warm-up blog to see how things go, so I thought I would expound my theories on living “at home” when you are twenty-five years old. As a brief background, I moved back home in May 04 after living away for six years. I have also recently spilt from my long-term girlfriend, come out to my friends as being bi-sexual, and decided to grow my hair longer than I have had it in a long time. I do not consider the three to be in any way related.

So, tips on moving home:

1. Don’t. Seriously, unless it’s absolutely vital, NEVER go back. It may seem like a sensible thing to do: living is cheap, food and ironing done for you, minimal effort on household chores thanks to the dishwasher/tumbledryer/corby trouser press, but when has life ever been that rosy? No, living with your parents at my age is like living alone but with your parents under the same roof. Imagine having your parents stay with you forever - that’s the truth of it. Think about it long and hard before you decide to do it.

2. Have an exit strategy. I know these are over-rated in this day in age, but really, think about how long you want to be at home, and what you intend to do with the time. No one moves home for the fun of it, so think about why you are doing it. Do you really want to travel/go back to uni/start your own business selling novelty drinks dispensers to the British pub market? Is there another way to get what you want without having to move back into your old room, take down the trappings of your 17-year-old self and start life over again in the city you have lived all your life, bumping into people you went to school with and had long forgotten? The key to surviving this is planning. My exit strategy has come undone, and now I have to start again. ALWAYS HAVE A CONTINGENCY PLAN; I speak from experience.

3. Once home, keep your head down and get on with it. You are here for a reason, not a holiday. Remember the following:
(a) This is not a long-term solution; think about Step 2 and how you are going to achieve it. You may find yourself slipping back into the puberty-stricken mindset you left home with: brooding and misunderstood might have worked at uni, but when you are twenty-five it’s not such a good look. At least at uni you had your own place. Still, onwards and upwards: stick to the plan!! Save money (why else do people move home barring accidents and other health-related issues?). Do not be tempted by your old school friends into going out three times a week, then travelling to the outer corners of the known world to visit uni friends on sabbatical in Nepal; you will never move out.
(b) Do not cross your parents: you can never win. Similarly, do not get involved if your parents are having a heated “discussion”. Even when you know that you are right; when the errors of the “discussion” are self-evident; and when you are possessed of the power to end it there and then: keep it shut. Any mother worth her salt will immediately round upon you, change the subject in the blink of an eye and take you down. Even when you are on her side you can expect, at most, a ten-minute reprieve before the savaging begins. Excuse yourself as discretely as possible and head for the hills.

4. Expect the worst: you can only be pleasantly surprised. This rule clearly applies to almost any situation in life, but is best proven when you live at home with your parents. If you think they are bound to be on your back, you are truly thrilled when they let you borrow the car.

5. Be gracious whilst at home. It’s not easy for them either, especially keeping you in crisps and coke on the measly £200 you deign to give to them each month. Life at home, whatever the pitfalls, is heavily subsidised so try not to complain too much. Try to make the whole experience as easy as possible for all concerned. Remember you are all adults and that this is temporary. Things will go much more smoothly so long as you keep your head, so resist the urge to throw a lemon at your mother after 20 minutes comparing fruit in the super-market, or tell your Dad to walk to work when you are taking the car 400 miles to Norwich that afternoon.

Aside from all this, there’s really nothing to it. Just please God, get out as soon as you can!!!!

(I would like to thank my parents for installing the broadband and wireless connection at home on my insistence, without which I would not be able to bring you this information from the comfort of my own office, formerly known as ‘my sister’s bedroom’. Thank you.)